Fear.

I really wish I would spend more time blogging these days. Maybe since I've been dealing with so much stress that I don't blog in fears I'll just break down or over think everything. These past 2 months have been the hardest I ever had to deal with in my life. It's hard to accept that things have been so wrong. I'm at a constant struggle with myself everyday and it's been difficult to deal with. I'm really worried about flunking out of college and disappointing my parents. They do so much for me and I can't do the one thing I'm supposed to. I don't know why I have no motivation. I'm so disappointed in myself because I know that I'm capable of doing so much better, yet I don't know why I'm not. Hopefully being home makes me realize that I can do better. If not, well I don't know what to do anymore. I really can't get on AP again. I really can't. And if I do, it is only my fault for not trying hard enough or reaching out for more help. I just really can't be on AP and I know the consequences. But why doesn't it make me try any harder? All I do is cry and stress over it, but I never take any steps in trying to fix things. I gave up way too early when I could have turned things around. I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm in a terrible place right now.