Yeah.

It was nice being able to hang out with the girls today for a while. Taking random adventures just like old times felt so nice. We met up at Starbucks and even though I came half an our late, I was still the first person to get there! We went to Lollicup because I wanted food and was starving after Black Friday shopping, but it was closed :( I was so disappointed because I really wanted Lollicup too. Then we decided to go to the Hilton Hotel because someone said there was a Starbucks in there. We went in and it turns out that was closed too. So we went to this restaurant that had a bar, and we weren't sure if there was food or not, so Param asked and there was. We ended up eating there and the food was really good. I thought my sandwich was amazing and would eat that for lunch everyday if I could. I really liked it aha. Then after we talked for at least an hour and Param and Aman ended up leaving. The rest of us talked and all walked back to the parking lot together before we went our ways. I went with Mary to the mall and we ended up talking in the car for a long time. We talked about so much stuff and it was great catching up on everything like college, our holidays, the past, the future, and so much more. I was surprised with what I found out. Like so shocked I never would've seen it coming in a million years surprising. When something is going on in front of your very own eyes and you have no idea, it's just so freaking crazy when someone tells the truth. I can't even comprehend how that all happened. I really can't. You really can't trust anyone. But overall, I had so much fun today and I can't wait to see the other girls tomorrow! I'm super excited for more laughs and stories. So glad Black Friday shopping is over, believe it or not. I got some shoes, jeans, and random other stuff. Good night world & hope you're all having a lovely weekend :]

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I have so much to be thankful for like my family, friends, a place to come home to, food to eat,  my life, and so much more. I hope you all spend your day well :)

Fear.

I really wish I would spend more time blogging these days. Maybe since I've been dealing with so much stress that I don't blog in fears I'll just break down or over think everything. These past 2 months have been the hardest I ever had to deal with in my life. It's hard to accept that things have been so wrong. I'm at a constant struggle with myself everyday and it's been difficult to deal with. I'm really worried about flunking out of college and disappointing my parents. They do so much for me and I can't do the one thing I'm supposed to. I don't know why I have no motivation. I'm so disappointed in myself because I know that I'm capable of doing so much better, yet I don't know why I'm not. Hopefully being home makes me realize that I can do better. If not, well I don't know what to do anymore. I really can't get on AP again. I really can't. And if I do, it is only my fault for not trying hard enough or reaching out for more help. I just really can't be on AP and I know the consequences. But why doesn't it make me try any harder? All I do is cry and stress over it, but I never take any steps in trying to fix things. I gave up way too early when I could have turned things around. I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm in a terrible place right now.

Tonight.

I really need to blog more. So tonight was CSA Thanksgiving Banquet and also APO Formal but I went to the TBanquet. It was fun making the food and getting all dressed up. I had fun tonight and then Tina randomly calls and asks if I'm busy around 11. Jeff, Tina, and I went to go stargazing at a place Jeff heard was a cool place to stargaze. The road there was super sketchy and scary at night, but it was beautiful to stargaze. If it was less sketchy, I wouldn't mind going back with a blanket and really enjoying the nature around me. Turns out, Tina and I won the Running Man Trophy for traveling the most to IC events and helping Nick out since we're both on Historian Committee. Turns out we even get a gift card so we got one for Chipotle. I have no idea how that worked out. I also found out I won most innocent too. The one time I win something, I'm not even present to accept it, but I'm happy I actually won something aha. So today/yesterday was a lot of fun. I'm super excited to watch Catching Fire tomorrow! Everyone set my expectations really high for it. I still need to do math homework though :/ I will get it done! Good night world :]]]]]]

I have a Little!!

Meet Kelly, my CSA Little who is now part of the RRRGL Family! :D 4 weeks was way too long to keep it a secret! It was nice doing the exchanges and writing the letters, but I couldn't wait to meet her. So glad the wait is finally over. I'll be cooking for her this week since she said she misses home cooked meals. I can't wait to finally spend time with her! Also, Thanksgiving Banquet is Saturday too so I hope the corn bread muffins turn out tasty. I'm just so excited to get to know her. I hope we stay close! :D

I wish.

Can a guy buy me pink roses? Oh the lonely life aha.

Why do I miss him so much?

All the darn time too...

Unexplainable.

I'm at the lowest of lows. Like I don't even know what to do anymore and I don't know what's wrong with me. Life just really sucks now right. You have no idea.

What's wrong with me?

I'm pretty sad tomorrow is the last day of the weekend. I've had a lot of fun with Devora and Maria here and I wish we could spend more time together. There was so much I had planned, but not enough time to do it all. It really made things feel rushed and my thoughts were scattered and all over the place. Something doesn't feel right, but I don't know how to explain it. I did enjoy myself but at the same time, something wasn't right. I really don't know what it is or how to describe it, but I'm feeling a little empty. It makes me sad too. I don't even know. Trying to fight back the tears, but I don't know why I'm getting teary. What's wrong with me?

Awww.

Just found out one of my closest friends has a boyfriend! I'm so happy for her! We've known each other for 13 years and she's all grown up now. Man I never thought this day would come, since I never thought about it, but it's crazy to realize it though. Wishing them the best :)

Mixed emotions.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated. I don't know why I can't seem to focus. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know what to do. I feel so lost and desperate to find a way to fix things, but there is no way. I know it takes so much time and commitment to get back to where I was, but I don't know how to do that anymore. I just wish I wasn't this far in, and it'll only get worse if I continue to not do anything. I'm doing the worst in Physics and I have an exam for that tomorrow. I spent the past 6 hours doing NO studying whatsoever and the sad part is, all I end up doing is complaining as to how I don't study. I didn't even try to get my book or do the homework. I'm completely unmotivated and it sucks so much because I know I can pass my classes. I truly believe I am capable of doing it, but I'm setting myself up for failure. I sit online for hours and I'm not in a good environment to study, I'm constantly disappointing myself which affects the people around me. I feel like I'm study at the bottom of a deep hole and I can't find my way out. I know exactly what I need to do to turn things around, but for some reason, I don't. For some reason, I'm holding myself back and not taking school seriously when I know how serious it is. I know I can't be put on AP again and I know if I don't pass, my graduation will be put off, and it'll cost more money. The worst thing about all of this is just disappointing my family. They believe in me so much and support my every step and brought me here, yet I can't do the one thing I should be doing. I'm such a disappointment. Will I ever learn my lesson? Will I ever get it together? What happens from here on out now?

Freaking Physics.

I'm so done with this class already.

Homesick.

It's been 6 weeks since I've last talked to my grandparents and I feel terrible. I really wish I had more time because phone calls take less than 5 minutes of my time and I couldn't even call. I'm just glad I called them today because it made me realize how much I miss my family. I started crying after I heard my grandmas voice. I miss them so much. 3 more weeks until I'm home and I literally can't wait. Family is everything to me.

It hurts.

I'm talking to my sister and she's telling me about some tragic incidents that have happened back home. I'm completely in utter shock about how low some people are in this world. How can you kill a child? How can you break into someone's home and flee with their possessions? How can people be so sick and heartless? I'm disgusted by this and completely outraged. No one in their right mind should even think about taking someone else's life away. I will never understand this. People need to really think about what they're doing. They really don't realize how taking someone's life away affects so many people. Their family, parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, and so much more. That person will be missed so much and you never gave them a chance to live their life to the fullest. It wasn't even their fault, yet you targeted them for whatever reason. I really hope they find the people who did this. I still can't wrap my head around the deaths of the 11 year old boy or the 38 year old man. Having your godfather and your wife finding you dead is the most traumatizing thing you'll ever experience and NO ONE deserves to go through that. May they rest in peace and I hope they're in a better place now. And to the killers, I hope they live with guilt for the rest of their lives because they don't deserve to be happy after what they did. They truly don't know pain and suffering until they lose someone close to them, especially if they were murdered. I'm still stunned at this. I'll never understand what goes through other people's minds and I wish that no one would have to go through this. Yes the world is screwed up, but killing someone doesn't solve any problems. It only causes more problems and the guilt will be with you forever. Everyone, please be careful of your surroundings and look out for each other. Take care of yourselves and stay safe.