What what what.

Never know what to title these anymore aha. So today was somewhat relaxed. I'm so freaking tired though x.x Can't wait to catch up on sleep again! Went to the GBM meeting and it was nice going again. I haven't been to one all quarter, plus everyone had Halloween costumes! Only one person knew who I was at the meeting and Aman was the other person from snapchat. It's sad aha. Like 3 people thought I was Little Red Riding Hood, but I wasn't. People loved their goody bags, which made me happy :) Someone wrote a note that said "Little Amy is the best" and I have no idea who it was. Tina said it wasn't her and Jesse didn't even go to the meeting, so I'm still lost. I think it might've been one of my friends who got a goody bag, which narrows it down to Nate, Gokul, Jeff, Megan, and Andy. Or I heard it wrong but Tina heard the same thing as me so I have no idea! Anyways, thanks to whoever wrote that to me! It was very sweet of you. So yeah you will hopefully see my post tomorrow of what costume I was :) Good night everyone and stay safe tomorrow! :]

Here we go.

Sorry I haven't been blogging as much! I'm really going to try to blog more often and hopefully once a day to reflect. I need to do that more often as a stress reliever and to think back about each day. I got my Little her gift and I hope she likes it. The socks she gave me are so soft! I can't wait to wear them. Life has been really hectic I have to say. Trying harder to study for the classes I'm not doing as well in. Hopefully I can drop chemistry and just focus on my other classes. I still have a chance (I think) so I need to work my butt off to stay off AP. I know I can do this. I just need to force myself or I'll continue to suffer, which I don't want. It's hard to get yourself together when everything is out of control, but you need to self-motivate until you can do it. Just got to pick yourself back up and know that things will get better. You will get better. I have a great support and I need to realize that I can do this and I will. I knew that things would be hard, but definitely not this hard. I won't give up. If I fail, I'll try again and hopefully learn from my mistakes. I just need to keep working at it and working hard. I need to keep my head focused on the prize. I need to keep telling myself that I can do this. We'll see what happens in a few weeks. I honestly just can't wait to see Devora (who is hopefully coming next week) and my family during the holidays. I feel terrible not keeping in touch anymore. I don't want to regret it so I'll call this weekend. I need to get my life back together, like how it was before. I need to take it slow and figure out what works for me. I can't be lazy anymore. I must change. I'm so glad I'm going to counseling or else I wouldn't have seen my advisor or started on physics homework. There's so much I have to be thankful for. I'll try to write things I'm thankful for each day at the end of my posts to remind me why I'm here and why I continue on. I'm thankful for my friends, family, and Cal Poly staff for supporting me and continuing to be there for me through my time of need. I just need to brush the dust off and keep on going. If you fall 7 times, you stand up 8. I'm not going to let this affect me anymore. I will change.

Hah.

My roommate thought I had a boyfriend. Joke's on me. I was so confused. I have a boyfriend that I don't even know about? lol. Yeah that was interesting.

From Tumblr.

"I’ve got 99 problems and my inability to self motivate is causing every single one of them."

This is just how it is.

Change definitely doesn't occur overnight. I know what I have to do in order to succeed, but carrying it out is the hardest part. I can do this and I know that from the past. I wish I got help sooner because I do feel like I waited too long before I got help. I knew I was struggling, but I thought I could fix my problems. Well, I couldn't. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Welp.

Man, how I miss you.

Change.

It's the only way I'll reach my goals, and if I don't start now, it really will be too late. I have to continue to force myself and find ways to succeed. If one thing doesn't work, I need to try something new. No more excuses or being lazy. Things won't magically change on their own if I don't. I will overcome these obstacles. I will pass my classes. I will not lose my determination. I won't give up. I will change.

I don't even.

So many people are rooting for me, so why do I feel like there are no solutions to my problems?

Stressed once again.

School has not been easy on me these past few weeks. I've had all sorts of emotions and I'm on the verge of another break down. I've been so stressed lately that I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I'm going to see a counselor this week because I can't do this anymore. It's just all too much for me and I can't be on AP again. I really can't. I know I'm capable of doing better, but I just lack the energy for it. I'm sick and constantly tired all the time. Sleep and studying don't go hand in hand. My schedule may be too much for me to handle right now. Last Thursday in Chemistry, after I took my quiz, I knew that was it. I did so bad on that quiz that I almost broke down in class. It was that bad. I realized that I truly needed help, and that I couldn't keep going on like this. But I fought through it. I made it through another week, but now that I have more midterms, I'm back on the edge again. It's like a super crazy roller coaster except there's no escape. It's like I can't get off. I've been up and down and all around in ways I never want to experience again. It's a terrible feeling and I really need help. I need some guidance right now. Hopefully they have answers or some way to help me. I can't do this on my own anymore. As hard as I try, I always feel like I'm two steps back. When did life become so difficult?

Littlesss.

I'm so excited to get a Little :D There's a really good chance I might end up with 2-3, but I'd be happy either way! Still kinda hoping I only get one though. It would be less work, but two isn't terrible. I find out Saturday and the first exchange is next week. I seriously can't wait for this. I wonder what I should give them though. Must look up some good ideas. Yay for finally being a Big :)

Stressed beyond belief.

Since I moved back to SLO, I haven't felt more stressed in my life. I was so prepared to start the new quarter fresh, but now I don't feel that way anymore. I've lost the motivation to work hard and I don't know why I'm having so much trouble focusing. It's like I don't care anymore, but I know I do because I know why I'm in college. I want to become a civil engineer and succeed to prove to my family, friends, and myself that I am capable of achieving my dreams. Lately I've been given so much work/things to study for, there's a lot of APO events that I had to go to, and I feel like I never have enough time to finish anything. I'm already procrastinating and it's like school doesn't matter to me. I guess all of this is piling up on me. I'm not used to studying super hard and I guess my "studying" from high school hasn't helped. In college, they teach you things a lot differently so it's been hard adjusting. Truth is, I don't know what is happening to me or why I'm not doing as well as I know I can. I used to be a straight A student, and last quarter I was put on academic probation. I know college is hard, but what has changed? Maybe I just got lazier? Maybe I lost my motivation? Well I need to tell myself that it will get easier. No matter how hard school gets or how stressed I am, I need to overcome this. I need to be strong and manage my time better. I must not give up. After writing the first sentence to this blog, I broke down crying. I didn't expect that, but I have so much stress built up, that I can't overlook it. Right now is the time to wipe away the tears, and get my life together. I will no longer let myself down and I got this. I know I can do it.